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Heh heh, I like this woman. Now that's a mean bitch right there. ------------>

DAY SEVEN was yesterday, I have officially gone a whole week with my diet and exercise. I may have screwed a few things up on the diet thing, but by God I've put my lazy self on that treadmill almost every day. And the one day I missed I made up for the next day. I did the 30 min again and that's going to be my new time. I'm also doing it at 2mph with 15 min at 2.5mph. Again, it doesn't seem like so much, but I don't want to shock my poor heart into a full blown protest or anything. I don't want to provoke an attack ha ha.

I have to be doing something right because I got the Induction Flu, BAD. I've only been nauseous once (I don't care what the dictionary says, "nauseated" is NOT a fucking word, it sounds butt country stupid) but I've had the headaches, some chills, pounding in my ears like what I get when I skip my Lexapro, mood swings, and the general bleh feeling. I thought it was all caffeine withdrawal, but when I got real bad dizzy I went researching. I was kinda worried because of my heart and the diabetes, but it's really common and pretty much means I'm doing something right. Awesome. Now can I get to the part where I wake up and feel like a million billion bucks?

Another good thing is my 18yr old son is sort of limited too. I live with my mother right now, and she has some things stashed in her room but he's the "out of sight out of mind" type. He can only get healthier this way. Until I move out at least.

I'm trying to move to the beach where there are jobs and fun things to do. There are no jobs here and absolutely nothing to do. Unless you're interested in smoking crack or spitting tobacco, then you're all set. I hope to move my family with me as soon as I can, but he's got people helping him with school and a job in the area right now and she has a job.

(sigh) Maybe it's just time I cut all the apron strings in this house and took off to be a grown up all by myself again, I just don't want to leave them to rot in this pit of despair.

Anyway, love to you all. Pass it on.

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Happy Independence Day, not just for us Americans, but for everybody. I wish everyone could be independent without trying to bitch up somebody else's groove. If we would all aspire to the, "you do you and I'll do me" concept this big old mud ball might be easier to live on.

I did my 20 min last night at my new slightly higher speed. I was tired, grizzly grumpy, not in the mood, it was late, whine whine whine. But I got my ass up there and did the damn thing. Then today I upped the speed again and did a solid 30. Go me!! You'd think I'd be feeling better, but I'm kind of drag-assin' right now. I got off the caffeine and damn... This shit is hard. Especially for someone like me. Before the health issues came into play I was hoping to find a portable caffeine IV. I had to cut back some because of the heart, but still was a junkie. But, alas! I find out that caffeine can spark the cravings, so it had to go. I don't need any extra help being pushed in the wrong direction thank you very much. Atkins says that in 3 to 7 days I should be popping with all kinds of energy. Hmph. We'll see I guess.

Sending Love to you, pass it on.

OMG! This looks so much like me! LOL

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DAY FIVE BITCHES!!

I walked around a lot yesterday. I was food shopping because I wanted to start Atkins today and I had a bunch of other things to do. When I finished up it was really late and I was really tired, so I didn't get to the treadmill. (oh noes!!!!) BUT! I made up for it today. I did 40 minutes with an 8 minute cool down instead of the normal 5 min, and I increased my speed by a half a mile an hour. I was worried at first, but the heart was a good sport about it. I haven't done any kind of incline yet, but that will come with time.

I have to say that I freaking LOVE Atkins. It hasn't even been a full day yet and I am convinced this is the one for me. I have had a lot of fun measuring and counting. I'm sure THAT honeymoon won't last but so long but for right now I am very happy. I'm trying new foods and new ways to eat them and everything is so damn yummy. I might actually be able to do it this time. Any prayers and good vibes you want to launch out into the universe on my behalf would be very much appreciated. I'm doing it for you right now.

While I was shopping this beautiful young girl walked up to me, her boyfriend was with her but he was hanging back. She told me that she had seen me walking around the store and (at this point I was ready to tell her, "Look bitch. I ain't scoping your little boyfriend.") she just wanted to tell me that everything was going to be alright. I had been grumping but I brightened right up. I told her that was so great of her to say that and God Bless. I wish more people would follow their impulses this way and not be afraid to put themselves out there. She really made my day and I will never forget her.

So for all of you out there, EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT. :-)

ATKINS ROCKS ASS!

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DAY THREE

So now there is a day three, moving right along!

You know I realized this morning that yesterday as I was begging all haters to die I was, in fact, hating on the haters! Does that even count? Does hate plus hate cancel each other out or add up to love or something? I'm still trying to figure that one out.

I am still hurting about the ex, but I'm still using it. Just in a much more positive way than I was. At first my walking was more of a, "take that you bastard!" kind of thing. Now I feel like I am walking toward something. I'm walking toward my life. Not my new life, that dream life we all think we'll have if we can just get thin. My real ass life. The one I'm really going to have.

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Day Two! Holy shit there's a day two! I put my butt back on there for another 20 minutes.

I feel like I should be doing more, but at least I'm doing something. Baby steps... I want to take off and work up a real sweat, but I have to go slow. I want to live and be healthy, I'm not interested in triggering a heart attack. My usual instinct is to dive in and go overboard. Which burns me out. Which makes me stop. Which puts me right back in the recliner. So I guess being hobbled by my health issues is actually kind of sort of a good thing.

You know, I wanted to grab a graphic for this post. Fat woman on a treadmill. That's all I wanted. I found some videos. All of them making fun of the idea that a fat woman would even get on a treadmill. I don't get these fat haters at all. Are they all so blind and stupid that they cannot figure out what it is they want? They ridicule and deride fat people just because they don't look they way someone else decided they should look. Then if a fatty actually tries to do something about it, they get ridiculed and derided. MAKE UP YOUR STUPID WORTHLESS MINDS YOU IDIOT SHITHEADS.

OMG I hate haters. Please all of you just fall over and die. Now. Right now. Die now assholes. Holy fucking shit the world would so ROCK without you.

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I blew the dust of the treadmill today (literally) and stuck my fat ass on it for 20 minutes. I have to be careful with that shit because I've wrecked my health so bad by lying around all depressed and munchy that I'm on the brink of death.

Just to be clear, I have no problem being fat. When I say "fat" it is simply a descriptive term, not a derogatory one. If I were tall, skinny, dumb, or brunette I would have used those words just as easily. It took a lot of years and tears but I finally love myself just the way I am. This ain't about fat hate. I am a beautiful person inside and out. If anyone doesn't agree with that assessment... turn your head, cover your eyes, throw yourself down a galdang well, I don't give a wild flying duck's ass in a shit storm. Your opinion is your opinion. I have one of my own, I don't need your second hand castoffs.

Anyway... While I don't have a problem with being fat I do have a problem with how I've let my health go. It has nothing to do with the fatness. I was healthy and robust and happy being fat. It was when I lost my job and stopped moving because of depression that my health got bad.

HOWEVER... This new turn around has more to due with heartbreak than with health and I know that. Old flame is getting married soon. I thought I was over the whole thing but I guess I'm not. But hey, at this point I'm willing to take inspiration where I can get it.

I would be lying my ass off if I said that losing weight has nothing to do with my sudden interest in healthy living. I want to flirt and flaunt and I don't have a problem with admitting that to myself. I also want desperately to pull back from the edge of the grave. I want to live. I want to take off and go without having to think about my stupid fucking pills. I'm tired of saying, "oh that sounds like fun" but thinking in the back of my mind about breathlessness and heart attacks.

So. This is Day One... again. God help me to get back on here tomorrow and tell you about Day Two.

Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply; those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire.
~ Marcel Jouhandeau