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I blew the dust of the treadmill today (literally) and stuck my fat ass on it for 20 minutes. I have to be careful with that shit because I've wrecked my health so bad by lying around all depressed and munchy that I'm on the brink of death.

Just to be clear, I have no problem being fat. When I say "fat" it is simply a descriptive term, not a derogatory one. If I were tall, skinny, dumb, or brunette I would have used those words just as easily. It took a lot of years and tears but I finally love myself just the way I am. This ain't about fat hate. I am a beautiful person inside and out. If anyone doesn't agree with that assessment... turn your head, cover your eyes, throw yourself down a galdang well, I don't give a wild flying duck's ass in a shit storm. Your opinion is your opinion. I have one of my own, I don't need your second hand castoffs.

Anyway... While I don't have a problem with being fat I do have a problem with how I've let my health go. It has nothing to do with the fatness. I was healthy and robust and happy being fat. It was when I lost my job and stopped moving because of depression that my health got bad.

HOWEVER... This new turn around has more to due with heartbreak than with health and I know that. Old flame is getting married soon. I thought I was over the whole thing but I guess I'm not. But hey, at this point I'm willing to take inspiration where I can get it.

I would be lying my ass off if I said that losing weight has nothing to do with my sudden interest in healthy living. I want to flirt and flaunt and I don't have a problem with admitting that to myself. I also want desperately to pull back from the edge of the grave. I want to live. I want to take off and go without having to think about my stupid fucking pills. I'm tired of saying, "oh that sounds like fun" but thinking in the back of my mind about breathlessness and heart attacks.

So. This is Day One... again. God help me to get back on here tomorrow and tell you about Day Two.

Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply; those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire.
~ Marcel Jouhandeau