320
DAY THREE
So now there is a day three, moving right along!
You know I realized this morning that yesterday as I was begging all haters to die I was, in fact, hating on the haters! Does that even count? Does hate plus hate cancel each other out or add up to love or something? I'm still trying to figure that one out.
I am still hurting about the ex, but I'm still using it. Just in a much more positive way than I was. At first my walking was more of a, "take that you bastard!" kind of thing. Now I feel like I am walking toward something. I'm walking toward my life. Not my new life, that dream life we all think we'll have if we can just get thin. My real ass life. The one I'm really going to have.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
320
Day Two! Holy shit there's a day two! I put my butt back on there for another 20 minutes.
I feel like I should be doing more, but at least I'm doing something. Baby steps... I want to take off and work up a real sweat, but I have to go slow. I want to live and be healthy, I'm not interested in triggering a heart attack. My usual instinct is to dive in and go overboard. Which burns me out. Which makes me stop. Which puts me right back in the recliner. So I guess being hobbled by my health issues is actually kind of sort of a good thing.
You know, I wanted to grab a graphic for this post. Fat woman on a treadmill. That's all I wanted. I found some videos. All of them making fun of the idea that a fat woman would even get on a treadmill. I don't get these fat haters at all. Are they all so blind and stupid that they cannot figure out what it is they want? They ridicule and deride fat people just because they don't look they way someone else decided they should look. Then if a fatty actually tries to do something about it, they get ridiculed and derided. MAKE UP YOUR STUPID WORTHLESS MINDS YOU IDIOT SHITHEADS.
OMG I hate haters. Please all of you just fall over and die. Now. Right now. Die now assholes. Holy fucking shit the world would so ROCK without you.
Day Two! Holy shit there's a day two! I put my butt back on there for another 20 minutes.
I feel like I should be doing more, but at least I'm doing something. Baby steps... I want to take off and work up a real sweat, but I have to go slow. I want to live and be healthy, I'm not interested in triggering a heart attack. My usual instinct is to dive in and go overboard. Which burns me out. Which makes me stop. Which puts me right back in the recliner. So I guess being hobbled by my health issues is actually kind of sort of a good thing.
You know, I wanted to grab a graphic for this post. Fat woman on a treadmill. That's all I wanted. I found some videos. All of them making fun of the idea that a fat woman would even get on a treadmill. I don't get these fat haters at all. Are they all so blind and stupid that they cannot figure out what it is they want? They ridicule and deride fat people just because they don't look they way someone else decided they should look. Then if a fatty actually tries to do something about it, they get ridiculed and derided. MAKE UP YOUR STUPID WORTHLESS MINDS YOU IDIOT SHITHEADS.
OMG I hate haters. Please all of you just fall over and die. Now. Right now. Die now assholes. Holy fucking shit the world would so ROCK without you.
Monday, June 28, 2010
320
I blew the dust of the treadmill today (literally) and stuck my fat ass on it for 20 minutes. I have to be careful with that shit because I've wrecked my health so bad by lying around all depressed and munchy that I'm on the brink of death.
Just to be clear, I have no problem being fat. When I say "fat" it is simply a descriptive term, not a derogatory one. If I were tall, skinny, dumb, or brunette I would have used those words just as easily. It took a lot of years and tears but I finally love myself just the way I am. This ain't about fat hate. I am a beautiful person inside and out. If anyone doesn't agree with that assessment... turn your head, cover your eyes, throw yourself down a galdang well, I don't give a wild flying duck's ass in a shit storm. Your opinion is your opinion. I have one of my own, I don't need your second hand castoffs.
Anyway... While I don't have a problem with being fat I do have a problem with how I've let my health go. It has nothing to do with the fatness. I was healthy and robust and happy being fat. It was when I lost my job and stopped moving because of depression that my health got bad.
HOWEVER... This new turn around has more to due with heartbreak than with health and I know that. Old flame is getting married soon. I thought I was over the whole thing but I guess I'm not. But hey, at this point I'm willing to take inspiration where I can get it.
I would be lying my ass off if I said that losing weight has nothing to do with my sudden interest in healthy living. I want to flirt and flaunt and I don't have a problem with admitting that to myself. I also want desperately to pull back from the edge of the grave. I want to live. I want to take off and go without having to think about my stupid fucking pills. I'm tired of saying, "oh that sounds like fun" but thinking in the back of my mind about breathlessness and heart attacks.
So. This is Day One... again. God help me to get back on here tomorrow and tell you about Day Two.
I blew the dust of the treadmill today (literally) and stuck my fat ass on it for 20 minutes. I have to be careful with that shit because I've wrecked my health so bad by lying around all depressed and munchy that I'm on the brink of death.
Just to be clear, I have no problem being fat. When I say "fat" it is simply a descriptive term, not a derogatory one. If I were tall, skinny, dumb, or brunette I would have used those words just as easily. It took a lot of years and tears but I finally love myself just the way I am. This ain't about fat hate. I am a beautiful person inside and out. If anyone doesn't agree with that assessment... turn your head, cover your eyes, throw yourself down a galdang well, I don't give a wild flying duck's ass in a shit storm. Your opinion is your opinion. I have one of my own, I don't need your second hand castoffs.
Anyway... While I don't have a problem with being fat I do have a problem with how I've let my health go. It has nothing to do with the fatness. I was healthy and robust and happy being fat. It was when I lost my job and stopped moving because of depression that my health got bad.
HOWEVER... This new turn around has more to due with heartbreak than with health and I know that. Old flame is getting married soon. I thought I was over the whole thing but I guess I'm not. But hey, at this point I'm willing to take inspiration where I can get it.
I would be lying my ass off if I said that losing weight has nothing to do with my sudden interest in healthy living. I want to flirt and flaunt and I don't have a problem with admitting that to myself. I also want desperately to pull back from the edge of the grave. I want to live. I want to take off and go without having to think about my stupid fucking pills. I'm tired of saying, "oh that sounds like fun" but thinking in the back of my mind about breathlessness and heart attacks.
So. This is Day One... again. God help me to get back on here tomorrow and tell you about Day Two.
Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply; those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire.
~ Marcel Jouhandeau
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